No one ever tells you what the hardest part of getting divorced is. For sure, they try. The first couple of weeks after separating; finding out everything that’s “wrong” with you; dealing with the emotions; the stress of moving out; the paperwork and the constant reminder of “failing” at something; the hurt; the pain. They’re all wrong.
The hardest part of getting divorced is that first girl you actually like and connect with but it doesn’t work out. It’s important after splitting up to start dating, or at the very least meeting other people. Getting back up on that horse and finding out there’s better girls out there; learning to be yourself again; finding out that being single isn’t so bad after all. But then there’s that one girl. The one who you have a connection with; the one who makes you feel vulnerable and confident at the same time; the one who makes you realize that who you are is a good thing; the one you really couldn’t imagine actually having a conversation with you, let alone actually enjoying your company. But for whatever reason, things don’t/won’t/can’t work out. Granted you really shouldn’t be looking long term in the first place, after all you just got out of a serious committed relationship, but you can’t help but think about it.
We’ll call this girl Pita for now. Pita is an obvious reference to Man On Fire who taught the irritable, lonely, depressed, guilty tough-guy that it doesn’t matter what happened in the past. All that matters is what’s in front of you. “She taught him that it was ok to live again.” Pita is the girl that teaches the divorced guy that it’s ok to put yourself out there. Not everyone is trying to hurt you. There are still good people and good things out there to go see and discover. Basically, Pita tells the divorcee to stop feeling sorry for himself about being divorced and to let go of that pain and hurt. She gives him hope in that great life that everyone wants. She gives him focus and realize how possible his dreams are now that he has independence.
It’s a double edge sword though. Pita can’t stay forever. She has other Creasy’s to find, though not by choice. She has dreams of her own, one of which involves someone to love and love them back. It’s a strange feeling, being Creasy. You want Pita all to yourself, but know that you can’t stay. You want to be with her, but in the end just want to see her happy and see her dreams come true. It’s stranger still to be excited and happy just to talk to her but devastated when you’re not able to or you have to end your conversation. You know it’s silly to think about her so often and miss her as much as you do, but you can’t help it. There was a connection there and it kills you that you can’t find out how strong it is. You write about her constantly hoping it will help get the feelings out of your system, but somehow those feelings keep coming back. It’s been months since you’ve seen her but if you saw her today, you’re certain nothing would change from the last time you met. You missed her the minute you let go of that last hug and you haven’t stopped since.
I told her I missed her today, even though a) she knows that; b) it doesn’t change anything; c) you swore you wouldn’t; d) you’re certain it’ll reveal just a small piece of how you really feel. She’ll read right into your words and know what’s going on. It’s the most terrifying, painful, and pathetic thing in the world. It’s hard knowing that you have unresolved feelings for someone, but knowing that revealing them or discussing them will ruin that little bit of joy you get just talking to her and being her friend. It’s hard not knowing how she really feels but having a strong sense that she feels similar. It’s the hardest part of divorce. The one who got away.
A Toast: To Pita.